Thinking Past Tomorrow – The Art and Science of Apology
By Maria Hopkin-Fulton
Columnist
Cumberland Co. News
Anyone who has offered or been offered a sincere apology knows there is a lot more to it than the words, “I apologize,” or “I’m sorry.”
In a world where we are all works in progress and mistakes are certain to be made, apologies are one of those essential tools for building healthy, lasting relationships.
As with all tools, they work best when you learn how to use them properly and then practice, practice, practice.
If you had emotionally intelligent parents or caregivers who modeled the skill, it might come easily.
For those of us who had parents who struggled to admit when they were wrong, or blamed others for their mistakes, or took every opportunity to “make you sorry”?
For us, apologizing in a sincere way might feel very unnatural in the beginning.
As a mom, telling my kids I am sorry when I lose my temper or yell at them, and explaining that my poor behavior is my own fault and not theirs, has been pivotal in breaking cycles of generational abuse.
We’ll look first at the Art of Apology, then the Science, or formula behind it.
Language is an art form, so the words we speak (or write, or text) carry meaning, but also facial expressions, tone of voice, and volume are all things that play a role in this important communication.
The nonverbal bits of communication are why face-to-face interaction is much more powerful and clear than a note, text, or email.
A phone call or voice note is a step better, but the more cues our brains have to work with, the more accurate our interpretations will be.
Mastering the art of clear, honest, sincere apologies is one way we build trust and safety with one another.
Think about the difference between “I’m sorry,” said in a loud, sarcastic tone, and, “I’m sorry,” said in a soft, caring tone.
The words are the same. The art is in the delivery.
Now onto the Science of Apology.
My favorite formula comes from author Beverly Engel and her book, “The Power of Apology.”
She has seen in her decades-long career as a therapist that a genuine apology includes three essential parts, or the “three R’s”: Regret, Responsibility, and Remedy.
We’ll get into those in a minute, but I want to give you a scientific reason to keep reading.
“Research shows,” Engel writes, “that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body…blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier.”
On the other end, it can benefit the one giving the apology, too.
The remorse and shame we feel from hurting another person can eat away at us or, maybe worse, numb us and our ability to feel compassion and empathy.
There is huge personal growth that comes with practicing the courage and humility it takes to even admit mistakes.
With that said, let’s dive into those three R’s so we can really start making the most of our apologies.
First is Regret.
I think it’s fair to say that most of us don’t walk around meaning to hurt people. We’re all just trying out different strategies to make a living, grow, learn, and get our needs met.
But sometimes we make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes cause hurt and damage to others.
While it’s not a comfortable feeling, regret is an important thing to sit with rather than push away or ignore, and the beginning step of a good apology.
The second R is for Responsibility.
Too often, a good apology is ruined at this point of the equation if it sounds something like, “I’m sorry, but….”
“But” is a word that usually comes before either an excuse or an attempt to place blame on someone else.
This is one time that it’s extremely important to keep the focus on you and the part you played in whatever is needing repaired.
And that brings us to the final part of a proven formula for effective apologizing: Remedy.
Not all mistakes can be easily undone, and some may have serious consequences. However, an apology that replaces that “but” with a what, how or where is going to be much better received.
I’m sorry. What can I do to help fix this?
I’m sorry. How can I help make this better?
I’m sorry. Where do we go from here?
To live in a world of imperfect humans means that we will all make mistakes, which also means we will find ourselves regularly in a position to apologize.
When we do, if we can remember to craft artful, genuine apologies using this formula, our future selves will likely thank us for the important relationships we were able to build and keep over time.
